Is Having a Child a Joy or a Pain? A Critical Analysis from Psychological and Spiritual Perspectives

having children spiritual meaning

Do I wish to have a child?

Everyone, sooner or later, asks themselves this question. The majority answer yes, trying by all means, including the least ethical ones, to become parents, while only a small minority answer no and consciously choose not to procreate.
What causes most individuals, regardless of their cultural background, nationality, and level of education, to beget children?
Usually, people do not think about this question very long; in fact, most of the time they reproduce without even planning to do so. So many others, when asked this question, would answer with clichés, claiming that it is normal to have children and that, on the contrary, it is abnormal and suspicious for people to claim that they do not want them, especially when it is a woman who is doing so.

The reasons for having a child

Giving birth to a child may be an unplanned event, or it may be a couple’s thoughtful choice planned in advance. Here is a list of the most common reasons people give when asked why they want to become parents.

  • Love: Many believe that having a child is an act of love toward their partner, God or the world as a whole. They want to materialize and manifest this feeling through offspring, giving tangible and concrete proof of their love.
  • Ambition: For some people, becoming parents is simply a reason for living. They aspire to have a family of their own to create a perfect micro-world in which they can feel fulfilled. Sometimes it is a desire that they have cultivated since childhood, while in other instances it is merely an induced need that is probably inculcated by family, one’s partner or more generally by society.
  • Having a role: Women, in particular, see motherhood as a means of carving out a vital role for themselves within the community. Being the custodians of life, caring for and raising a human being who could not survive without them, makes them feel indispensable, unique and helpful.
  • Support: Some people are convinced that their descendants will be needed in the future when they will be in difficulty due to illness or old age, taking it for granted that their offspring will take care of their needs and always be available.
  • Crisis: Other individuals conceive children to resolve a crisis. The birth of a child may prevent a couple from breaking up; in fact, the couple will no longer be engaged in dealing with their differences, but rather in caring for their progeny. Underlying this need may be individual imbalances caused by a sense of emptiness, feeling lonely, and the onset of boredom.
  • Lineage: Then there are those who wish to create an offspring for a variety of reasons, including the need to pass down an inheritance or the desire to leave a mark of their passage in this world.
  • Fear: Finally, we find those who become parents because they are subjugated by the fear of being marginalized by others if they do not have children, or by the fear of later regretting not having had them when they had the opportunity.

Reproduction in the natural cycle

Regardless of the motivation each of us tells himself or herself, procreation is not a choice but an instinct; the choice, perhaps, might be not to procreate. In fact, we refer to it by the expression “maternal instinct”. It is a primal disposition, a need to be satisfied, like thirst or hunger, which is shared, albeit to different degrees, by all living beings, whether animals, microorganisms or plants. Nature exploits the reproductive instinct endowed to every living being to perpetuate itself. To beget an offspring is simply to indulge the instinct of reproduction and self-preservation, fulfilling the obligation of the biological cycle provided to the creatures that populate the earthly world.

Instincts and drives: Freud’s theory

According to the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, man is not a victim of instincts, but of drives. According to his theory, instinct is the innate ability to react consistently to certain stimuli and is present in animals. Drive, typical of human beings, is an urge put in place by the psyche that prompts the individual to activate themselves in order to reach their goal. Biological stimuli arise within the body, which are perceived through the senses and eventually generate a state of tension at the psychic level; the individual, through taking action, is able to achieve gratification and satisfaction. There are two basic drives: Eros and Thanatos. The drive of life, Eros, concerns impulses related to self-preservation and sexuality, while the drive of death, Thanatos, corresponds to violent and destructive impulses. The need to procreate, and the sexuality that comes with it, would thus be found in this primordial drive that nature has placed within each of us, not so much in the emotions and feelings that come with the idea of having a child.

Psychological analysis of the reasons

Now let us analyze, from a psychological point of view, each of the reasons previously given.

unconditional love for children

  • Love: “Children are made out of love”. When a person upholds this idea, they actually experience emotional lack and a sense of emptiness. Love is a feeling that sublimates human existence; when one is in love, they experience a generalized feeling of well-being and fulfillment and stop looking for happiness elsewhere or in other people.
    Love is a manifestation of our transcendental component and cannot be the object of the projection of an inner deficiency, or of a selfish need. Can you really love someone who does not yet exist? Isn’t it simply that you are in love with the idea of having a child?
  • Ambition: “I always wanted to have a child”. Some wish to create a more or less large family of their own. Sometimes, even people who seem to focus more on themselves and their working careers, eventually become parents and claim that their previous life, when they did not yet have children, was meaningless.
    Once they become parents, their entire existence is catalyzed on caring for their offspring. They begin to neglect their own individuality for the benefit of their children, they stop working to improve themselves and thus give up their own individual evolution. But, how can you knowingly raise another human being if you still do not know yourself well enough?
    This desire does not always arise from the individual in question; sometimes, in fact, it is the result of incentives or ideas from outside. Are you sure that your need to have a child is not generated by others?
  • Having a role: “A woman is not complete if she is not a mother”. It may resonate as an antiquated concept, yet in the collective unconscious it still holds sway. Motherhood requires a lot of time and energy, which is inevitably taken away from other activities. Those who spend all their time taking care of their children, annihilate their personality and lose interest in themselves. What will they do when the children grow up and no longer need them?
    Constantly prioritizing the needs of the offspring, as admirable and selfless as it may seem, will in time make the woman feel diminished and lacking in identity, as she is forced to set aside her own needs. This behavior, when taken to excess, results in a full-blown personality deviation known as Wendy’s Syndrome. Those affected by it need duality to triumph: outwardly, they show themselves to be generous, caring, and completely dedicated to others or to a mission, while inwardly, they perceive insecurity and a major gap in self-esteem. They need someone to always be in trouble and looking out for them, so that they can feed their ego and consider themselves important and needed, just like a modern Atlas holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. Why, then, do you want others to consider you a good person at all costs?
  • Support: “I have a child so he will take care of me when I am old”. This attitude is typical of an individual with very pronounced narcissistic and selfish tendencies. Those who make this kind statement, imagine that their sons will take care of them in their old age, in return, of course, for what they have done to raise them. These people are so focused on themselves that they do not even consider the potential ambitions of their children and the possibility that they, for whatever reason, voluntary or otherwise, may move to distant places. What if your son decided to move abroad? How would you take it?
    Moreover, people who reason in such a way pursue the “quid pro quo” logic (I give in order to get) and certainly do not put into practice the principle of unconditional love so frequently called upon when referring to offspring.
  • Crisis: “I have a child to save our relationship”. Those who come to this conclusion manifest an opportunistic nature and are willing to make any compromise in order to achieve their goals. Without even being aware of it, they are burdening a yet to be born creature with responsibility.
    When there are problems in a couple, or individually in either partner, children initially seem to overshadow them, as they are capable of attracting all the attention to themselves. Over time, however, issues come back to the surface, as they cannot be solved by simply ignoring them; in fact, it is necessary to deal with them. If a couple cannot make their relationship work, they will also fail to raise their child in a harmonious way. A solid foundation is needed to build a family, just as it is with a house. Would you erect it on a strong foundation or on sagging ground?
  • Lineage: “I have a child to carry on my family’s name”. Those who feel such a need display a high degree of arrogance and hubris, while also being an unconscious cog in the biological cycle. By needing to pass on their genes and deluding themselves that they can make their own lineage immortal, they appear extremely subservient to the instinct of self-preservation and to the logic of nature.
    Sometimes, the reasons for securing a bloodline may be economic. This is a peculiarity of materialistic people attached viscerally to this world, who want a small part of themselves to survive over time and prosper from the wealth so painfully accumulated. Such people project their vainglory onto the heir, regarding him or her as an extension of themselves and not as an independent individual. In some cases, children are treated as pawns on a chessboard with a definite role in the long-term design drawn by the parents themselves. What is a child to you, a person or one of your many possessions?
  • Fear: “Everyone has children, if I don’t have a child now, I will regret it”. Deciding whether to have progeny based on what others do is not very wise, as it reveals an insecure personality that is unable to reflect independently, instead needing the approval of others. It is not your biological age or an outside person that determines when and whether to have a child; no one else but you knows your state of mind and your inclination toward parenthood. You need to think consciously before making such important decisions, and avoid being subjugated by negative emotions and feelings. Otherwise, you will never feel up to the situation and will transfer the negativity caused by fear to your children. What do you do when something scares you? Do you avoid it, or do you face it?

Procreation and its spiritual significance

The generation of new lives can also be analyzed through a spiritual perspective. According to some Eastern philosophies, there is a cycle of reincarnations. Each individual is composed of a material component, the body, a mental component, and finally a transcendental and immortal component, namely the soul. The latter leaves the body at the moment of physical death and then returns to incarnate in a different vessel. This is a cycle from which souls cannot easily break free, it being a reflection of individual awareness. The lower the awareness, the greater the likelihood of an immediate return to Earth to have a new bodily experience. Greater spiritual evolution, on the other hand, will make it possible for other options to be considered, and eventually for the mechanism of reincarnations to be interrupted altogether.

What we consider to be outer reality is nothing more than a projection of what lies within us. What does this mean in practical terms? It means that a person who is particularly materialistic and attached to earthly things will, once they leave the body, do anything to immediately go back and relive the only kind of life they consider possible, the one made up of objects, money and pleasures. A person who has been able to connect with his or her soul and spirit will have a wider range of choices available as a result.

Reincarnation in Ancient Greece: The Myth of Er

The topic of reincarnation has been examined for millennia; Ancient Greek thinkers themselves wondered about it and gave their own interpretation. Plato, for example, explained its operation through the Myth of Er. Er, a valiant soldier who fell in battle, returns to life after being given up for dead, and recounts what he experienced as a result of leaving his body. He narrates that the soul, once it leaves the body, depending on how it has behaved, is punished or rewarded for a thousand years, at the end of which it is called to reincarnate. When this time comes, all souls gather in a clearing where a variety of life patterns are made available for them to choose from. The goddess of necessity, Ananke, draws by lot who is to be chosen first and who later. Obviously, the first soul drawn will have more choices, while the last will be less fortunate, but it too will be able to decide among a number of opportunities: no one is ever forced to choose a life they do not want.

myth of Er meaning

Er then tells how souls make their choices: not only based on the luck of the draw, but also as a result of habits contracted in previous lives. After making the decision, they must go to the three Moirai who make their fate immutable. Then, they set out across the deserted and hot plain of the River Lethe, where they are obliged to drink its water, which gives oblivion, that is, it erases the memories of the previous life. Only at this moment they are ready to return to Earth.
According to this allegory, souls lose the memory of their previous lifetime and consequently also the lessons learned, having to start all over again. So, why reincarnate again and again?

The soul and near-death experiences (NDEs)

The theory of reincarnation is echoed in events that arouse little interest among scientific researchers, and therefore do not yet possess a logical-rational explanation. Such episodes include near-death experiences (NDEs) that some people have had after finding themselves in particularly traumatic situations. Basically, these are individuals who are first dead and then resurrected. These people experience a feeling of separation from the physical body, seeing themselves from above, as if they were incorporeal entities. They often also see a bright white light that gives them a sense of peace, and they not rarely encounter deceased loved ones or spiritual beings.

Some researchers believe that near-death experiences are simply physiological manifestations due to residual brain activity, but this in no way explains why such episodes are characterized by recurring patterns. Moreover, there is no plausible explanation, at least from a scientific point of view, with respect to the fact that apparently deceased people see things from above and are able to remember what they saw and heard while they were, in theory, dead.

The soul energy of humanity

However, another great dilemma arises about the soul energy of our planet. Let us assume that such energy is always the same and that each of us possesses his or her own soul. Since the 1950s there has been an exponential growth in the population; more people result in more souls. At this point there can be only two possibilities: either some container turns out to be empty, that is, a body without a soul, or the overall soul energy is being diluted within more and more individuals. In either case we can infer that some people are more soulful than others. But, what happens to those people who have no or little soul? We certainly do not possess a definitive answer, but we can speculate that it all comes down to a matter of greater or lesser propensity for spiritual evolution, and thus for the acquisition of awareness. This might explain why certain people never seem to mature, remaining virtually the same from childhood to old age, while others follow a path of change.

Totems and taboos

As much as we are allowed to analyze parental desire from biological, psychological and spiritual perspectives, however, it is not yet permitted to criticize the reproductive instinct. Giving birth to a child is regarded, always and in any case, as a positive event, a joy and an obligatory step for all individuals. Babies are often idolized, just as certain peoples worship their totems, while, at the same time, claiming not to want a child becomes taboo. Why are we not free to assert that becoming a parent is a nonchoice, that is, simply acting on an instinctual basis? Any conscious choice should result from a rational process, whereas following an instinct does not imply the use of rationality at all.

The consequences of instinctual reproduction

According to common sense, having many children is a good thing, while not having them is a bad thing. In the introduction of the film “Idiocracy“, two couples are compared; one consisting of two uncultured and noisy people who live in financial straits but give birth to many children, and another consisting of two educated and wealthy people who decide not to procreate. What values will the first family pass on to its offspring? How will their sons and daughters mature, not only physically but also spiritually, if their reference points are two parents who are still mentally immature?

idiocracy having children

Conclusions

Modern society is characterized by rampant incivility and stupidity. What used to be values, pillars of communities, have now been lost and supplanted by beliefs that lead human beings to degenerate rather than grow. Certain behaviors that in the past were considered pathological, today have been turned into normality, when not actually encouraged. When the community does not share, or even goes so far as to denigrate, an individual’s ideals, that individual will feel uncomfortable and unwilling to raise a child in such a hostile environment. For you who think the world is unfair, inequitable and sometimes evil, how does the idea of giving a new life to it affect you? Do you believe that your child is the one who will change the world for the better? Or, more simply, will he too be forced to adapt to its logic if he wants to survive? This last question is not trivial, and we invite you to think about it without prejudice.

If we do not like the world, we must first change ourselves and our behavior, after which the world will also improve accordingly. Conversely, adding new human resources to a sick society will only spread the disease.

<<Let him who would move the world, first move himself>>, Socrates.

The last reflection we propose concerns the perception of birth and death. These two moments of existence are usually contrasted, instead they are closely related, as explained in the theory of reincarnation. Birth is regarded as a happy event, the beginning of a new life, and death as a baleful happening, the end of everything; for what reason? From a spiritual perspective, this life is only a passage, a time of transition, in which birth may represent the beginning of the soul’s imprisonment within a material body, and death the potential liberation from it. According to Stoic philosophy, one must accept death as part of their journey and use life to prepare for it, treasuring their experiences.
Let us therefore try to reinterpret birth and death in soul terms, considering the former as a captivity from which it is possible, however, to free oneself, and the latter as the cell door that we try to open through the key of spiritual searching and awareness.

<<It takes the whole of life to learn how to live, and, what will perhaps make you wonder more, it takes the whole of life to learn how to die>>, Lucius Annaeus Seneca the Younger.

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MINI SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST: ARE YOU READY TO HAVE A CHILD?

Read the sentences below and select the ones you agree with and that you think make the most sense.






Count the number of boxes checked and read the corresponding profile.
0: You are ready to have children
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MINI SELF-ADMINISTERED TEST: IS IT LOVE OR ATTRACTION?

Read the sentences below and select the ones you agree with and that you think make the most sense.






Count the number of boxes checked and read the corresponding profile.
0: It is neither love nor attraction
1-2: It might be attraction, but not love
3-4: It might be a strong attraction
5-6: It is most likely LOVE!